THE RED MENACE

Next year when Christmas rolls around and you prepare for such annual rituals as setting out milk and cookies for Santa Claus, or taking your child to the local mall to sit on his lap, bear in mind some of the things that the jolly old elf, in full Claus costume, did this year in the run-up to Christmas:

Santa stuck up a Wachovia Bank in Arlington, Texas, on December 20;

Santa was busted for disorderly conduct for dropping his pants in front of groups of teenagers and other shoppers on multiple occasions in the mall at Rockham Park in Salem, New Hampshire on December 7;

Santa--actually, forty blind drunk Santas--ran amok in Aukland, New Zealand on December 17, rampaging through the center of town, looting shops and stores and assaulting security guards;

Santa robbed a furniture store at gunpoint in Ludsigshaven, Germany on December 17, locked two women in the office safe and, placing a finger alongside his nose, got away;

Santa, half naked and more than half drunk, disrupted a Christmas market in Dabringhausen, Germany on December 10;

Santa used a phony machine gun to stage four bank robberies before being trapped by police in a ditch in Tubingen, Germany in mid-December;

Around the same time, Santa set fire to a Swedish town's annual construction of a huge straw ram by firing burning arrows into it;

Santa was meanwhile being sought by British police for repeatedly exposing himself to women and in and around Swanage, Dorset;

In London, Santa grew annoyed with a group of children waiting to see him at a mall, swore at them, pretended to shoot them with his finger, and reduced them to tears;

But it all finally caught up with Santa, who collapsed in front of 750 elementary school children at a Christmas assembly in Hubbard, Ohio and was taken off in an ambulance in critical condition.

So to one and all--
A Merry Christmas
A Happy Hanukkah
A Rollicking Ramadan
A Swinging Solstice
A Fabulous Festival of Lights
And God bless us one and all.

WE'VE COME A LONG WAY FROM RICHARD PRYOR'S DAY AND I'M NOT SURE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

I just walked away from the television set, where I had seen the two most influential, maybe even powerful (these are frequently two markedly different concepts) personalities in the high-media trade today, and that would be Jon Stewart and Howard Stern. I'm not sure (1) what to make of that, or (2) if there is anything there of which to make. I do know that a stupefyingly high percentage of people in America, the last time pollsters asked the question, said that they get the brunt of their political news and commentary from "The Daily Show," Stewart being the host and defining persona thereof. Something like 20 percent of the 18-32 demo, enough to curl your hair.

And as for Stern, he is, to my vague but pretty confident knowledge, second only to Limbaugh in national radio market penetration and total ear numbers. But the reality is that, while Limbaugh has dittoheads, and other radio celebs have their followings, only Howard truly has fanatic devotees, acolytes, disciples, not to mention certifiable outpatients, in his loyalist army. These people do things, purely because they feel it might please His Howardship, that you would not do except to free your daughter from kidnappers. This is, quite simply, why Sirius is paying Howard fifty million fucking dollars to leave the bounds of earth for satellite radio, and not paying Rush a plug nickel. Nobody streaks a funeral for Rush.

Speaking of Howard Stern, I'm having trouble deciding what the future holds for smut, not that I consider the two subjects synonymous. I leave that to the cultural anthropologists, and Dr. Laura (long ago known to L.A. hotcha DJ Bill Ballance as "Nurse Laura", but I digress). I realize that "schizophrenia" has nothing to do with dual personalities or pathological ambivalence, but it does seem that America is downright schizo in its attitude toward sex, having created a"sex" industry--porn, prostitution, enhancements, paraphernalia, etc.--which is matched for pure profitability only by its "virtue" industry--televanagelists, brimstone Christian flagwavers, cultural purity lobbies, etc.

Meanwhile, to get back to the point--and I actually had one--I would ask the pragmatists in the GOP (and I saw them just the other day, sharing a cab) how they can watch tamely while their party's censorship clique, hydrophobic with its grip on power (legislative, executive, judicial, hat trick!), attempts to outlaw commercialized sex, thus eliminating from the national capitalist revenue stream something north of 2 billion dollars per annum, thereby causing some noticeable nosebleeds in America's corner offices. We're all swimming in the same Great Financial Ocean, and a drain in one area is a drain in all. Are you really willing to bet your political career on a fundamentalist political pipe dream?

Outlaw the entire "illicit" or "offensive" sex trade in the USA? Yeah, that would work. Better you should just outlaw some marginal industry, like, say, supermarkets. Believe me, Wall Street is considerably more energized these days by the likes of Victoria's Secret than by Albertson's.

By the way, let me wish the entire world, and especially those who are offended by the phrase, the very most HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I've been scrawling this exact phrase on Christmas (or as we say in the satanic set, Xmas) cards for years, as shorthand for Merry Christmas (holiday #1) and Happy New Year (holiday #2), and that was before we'd tried to come to terms with the various spellings of Cccchanucchha, or ever even heard of Ramadan, Kwanzaa, and Festivus. For me, it's just this simple: Both sides of this issue have a point, but neither of them are even remotely worth inflicting on the multitudes who are just trying to brighten up yet another goddam cold and grey winter with some shlock, mythology and deficit spending. To them, this lyric:

Hark, the herald angels say,
Just shut up and go away.

REALITY BYTES

Being a random assemblage of a few curious items that I have stumbled over in the media, all of which are, to the best of my knowledge, and in some cases indisputably, true.


STOL MATES
According to a study conducted for Stolichnaya by smell and taste expert Dr. Allen Hirsch, flavored-vodka drinkers have distinct and identifiable personalities which vary by and correspond to their preferred flavor. For example:
Vanilla -- prone to grudges, crave attention;
Orange -- good for laughs, not easily flustered;
Cranberry -- critical black-and-white thinkers;
Peach -- easily bored, crave gratification.
If I were more of a snide wise-ass (and I am), I would probably add:
Simple, unflavored vodka -- heterosexual.


AMONG THE ACTUAL, SO-HELP-ME, SAFE SEX TIPS OFFERED IN THE OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH GUIDE DISTRIBUTED BY NEW ZEALAND’S GOVERNMENT TO THAT COUNTRY'S LEGAL BROTHELS
Disinfect sex toys after usage. Always have condoms in a wide range of shapes and sizes on hand. Beds should provide enough back support to prevent injury or discomfort while performing various services. Be on guard against injuries caused by rapid repetitive actions or sudden forceful motions. Carry a small flashlight to inspect for sexually transmitted diseases.


GETTING AHEAD IN BUSINESS, PART I
Forget one-minute management and the habits of successful people. Sexologist Neonilla Samukhina, founder of the St. Petersburg Soitology Institute, has written an office strategy book for the literally up-and-coming, Kamasutra In The Office, whose thesis is that what the white collar worker really needs is more sex on the job. Samukhina discusses the copulative possibilities of such popular cubicle culture trysting places as the elevator, the copy machine, and the boss's desk, among others, with explicit photographic illustrations, which is a good thing, since the book is in Russian. Soitology, by the way, is the study of coupling. Where's a translator when you need one?
(While we're on the subject of licentious lit, Mathematics and Sex by Clio Cresswell employs math equations to produce answers to such questions as "How many people do I have to sleep with before I find the perfect partner?" And you thought you'd never have a reason to use algebra.)


GETTING AHEAD IN BUSINESS, PART II
The "Asshole Quotient" is a 100-point scale developed by former IBM exec Ed Rychkun to measure one's ability to hold high corporate or political office, which in either case requires that a leader must "be an asshole in order to succeed." For example, thinking your co-workers are assholes is worth an A.Q. of 10, whereas telling them they're assholes rates a 60. I would dismiss this as simple blather if not for the fact that Rychkun scores both George Bush and Donald Trump as perfect 100s.


WHY THE SUN BARELY RISES ON THE EMPIRE
According to a survey conducted by the BBC, 6 percent of Britons aged 16 to 24 believe that Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings" led the British Navy to defeat the Spanish Armada in 1588.


I AM REMINDED, BUT WILL HAVE NO PART OF REPEATING, A SMARMY OLD JOKE ON THE WORD "FOCUS" WHOSE PUNCH LINE IS "BOF' US?"
In the dreary event that you are somehow contemplating joining a Christian youth group, your faith has been rewarded with Single Focus, a group of exactly that nature, based in Atlanta and some 90 members strong, which for the last four years has held its weekly Bible study meetings at the local Hooters. Sometimes you need a reason to believe.


ODD NUMBERS
According to a national survey, the percentage of American parents who don't believe that their teenage kids have had sex: 84. The percentage of percent of American youth aged 14 to 18 who are sexually active: not quite 50.
The rank of New York among the states in per capita federal spending on anti-terrorism: 35. The rank of Vice President Cheney's home state, Wyoming: 1.


AT LEAST AFTER ARMAGEDDON, THE COCKROACHES WILL HAVE PLENTY TO EAT
To see how long a Twinkie would last in the open air before spoiling, Maine secondary teacher Roger Bennatti put one on top of his classroom blackboard in 1974. When he retired last June, it was still there.