NEXT STOP, HONEY JUNCTION

Actual news item today:

"NEW YORK (AP) - Available soon from City Hall: an official New York condom in a jazzy wrapper, perhaps one printed with a colourful subway map or some other city theme.
New York City hands out 1.5 million free condoms a month in ordinary wrappers, and health officials figure people would be more likely to actually use them if the packaging were more distinctive."

Yes indeed, nothing puts me in an amorous mood faster than images of the New York subway system. And who wouldn't want to insert their manhood into something that calls to mind a subway train roaring down the tracks. Presumably, they'll be available in urine- and vomit-scented versions. With little slogans printed thereon, such as "Get your freakin hands off me, asshole!" and "You call that a dick?"

I am reminded of a bit I used to do onstage...
"I just read where Safeway is going to start selling their own brand name condoms, which I thought was in questionable taste until it occurred to me that it's hard to come up with a better, more appropriate name for condoms than...Safe way.
Well, of course, maybe...Lucky.
Or...Pay 'n Pak.
Long's.
Piggly Wiggly.
Never mind."

Then Lucky supermarkets was bought out by Albertson's, and the comedy scene dried up; a one-two punch that convinced me to retire. Que sera.