ALL CHANGE IS BAD, PART 152

Although I enjoy expressing derision for teenagers today who "don't know how good they've got it compared to my generation blah quack babble" as much as anyone my age, I wince with sympathy for the adolescents of Pequannock Township, New Jersey, where they just announced that about 75 percent of the local high school students will now be randomly given a test for ethyl glucuronide, which can detect whether they've consumed alcohol anytime in the previous 80 hours. A test conducted on a Monday morning would cover everything back to midnight the previous Thursday. Holy shit.

And I thought the goddam chemistry tests were hard to pass.
I wouldn't have made it through my sophomore year without a suspension.
Well, unless they graded the test on the curve.

I also enjoy Daylight Savings Time as much as anyone, but as Groucho Marx once said to a mother of 13 on "You Bet Your Life,"
"I love my cigar, too, but I don't enjoy having it shoved up my ass."

Hmm. That doesn't look quite right. Actually, I believe it was "...but I take it out of my mouth now and then." Yes, that's it.

In any case, they've decided to move the change to DST forward by two weeks, and the return to Standard Time back one week in the fall. This has ruffled the hair of many who rely on the temporal accuracy of computers, such as airlines and bomb makers and the like, because the computers will not only fail to shift to DST on the new date, but will shift again on the old date after adjustments have been made.

I don't care, of course.

But I am annoyed by the change because it takes place just as we've gotten to the point where my wife no longer has to take a flashlight with her when she walks the dog at 7 a.m., and also no longer has to carry a Stoner assault rifle, which is strongly recommended by law enforcement officials for anyone venturing out of their homes after dark or before dawn if they live within a certain distance from Richmond, California.

I believe the current official "hazard radius" is 350 miles.

But now she'll be plunged back into the darkness for what--four more weeks or so?
It sucks, I tell you.

Still, I've got to admit that she does look really hot in body armor.