Saturday, December 24, 2005

THE RED MENACE

Next year when Christmas rolls around and you prepare for such annual rituals as setting out milk and cookies for Santa Claus, or taking your child to the local mall to sit on his lap, bear in mind some of the things that the jolly old elf, in full Claus costume, did this year in the run-up to Christmas:

Santa stuck up a Wachovia Bank in Arlington, Texas, on December 20;

Santa was busted for disorderly conduct for dropping his pants in front of groups of teenagers and other shoppers on multiple occasions in the mall at Rockham Park in Salem, New Hampshire on December 7;

Santa--actually, forty blind drunk Santas--ran amok in Aukland, New Zealand on December 17, rampaging through the center of town, looting shops and stores and assaulting security guards;

Santa robbed a furniture store at gunpoint in Ludsigshaven, Germany on December 17, locked two women in the office safe and, placing a finger alongside his nose, got away;

Santa, half naked and more than half drunk, disrupted a Christmas market in Dabringhausen, Germany on December 10;

Santa used a phony machine gun to stage four bank robberies before being trapped by police in a ditch in Tubingen, Germany in mid-December;

Around the same time, Santa set fire to a Swedish town's annual construction of a huge straw ram by firing burning arrows into it;

Santa was meanwhile being sought by British police for repeatedly exposing himself to women and in and around Swanage, Dorset;

In London, Santa grew annoyed with a group of children waiting to see him at a mall, swore at them, pretended to shoot them with his finger, and reduced them to tears;

But it all finally caught up with Santa, who collapsed in front of 750 elementary school children at a Christmas assembly in Hubbard, Ohio and was taken off in an ambulance in critical condition.

So to one and all--
A Merry Christmas
A Happy Hanukkah
A Rollicking Ramadan
A Swinging Solstice
A Fabulous Festival of Lights
And God bless us one and all.

2 Comments:

Blogger ....J.Michael Robertson said...

In the words of Mrs. Santa Claus' sister, "He knows when you are horny, and he doesn't care if you're awake."

December 24, 2005 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger Charlie Clifton said...

I like Santa's exit.

Last Wednesday night, Ed Lorenz, 69, of Portage, MI bowled the third 300 game of his life.

The perfect score came in the first game of the Schoolcraft-Miller League, one of the four leagues in which Ed participated this winter.

During the fifth frame of the next game, Lorenz took off his glasses, put his hands on his head, and fell like ten pins, stone cold dead.

A service will be held in the banquet room of the Portage Airways Lounge after the New Year.

Happy New Year !

clifton@ij.net

December 31, 2005 at 7:54 AM  

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