Sunday, December 04, 2005

REALITY BYTES

Being a random assemblage of a few curious items that I have stumbled over in the media, all of which are, to the best of my knowledge, and in some cases indisputably, true.


STOL MATES
According to a study conducted for Stolichnaya by smell and taste expert Dr. Allen Hirsch, flavored-vodka drinkers have distinct and identifiable personalities which vary by and correspond to their preferred flavor. For example:
Vanilla -- prone to grudges, crave attention;
Orange -- good for laughs, not easily flustered;
Cranberry -- critical black-and-white thinkers;
Peach -- easily bored, crave gratification.
If I were more of a snide wise-ass (and I am), I would probably add:
Simple, unflavored vodka -- heterosexual.


AMONG THE ACTUAL, SO-HELP-ME, SAFE SEX TIPS OFFERED IN THE OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH GUIDE DISTRIBUTED BY NEW ZEALAND’S GOVERNMENT TO THAT COUNTRY'S LEGAL BROTHELS
Disinfect sex toys after usage. Always have condoms in a wide range of shapes and sizes on hand. Beds should provide enough back support to prevent injury or discomfort while performing various services. Be on guard against injuries caused by rapid repetitive actions or sudden forceful motions. Carry a small flashlight to inspect for sexually transmitted diseases.


GETTING AHEAD IN BUSINESS, PART I
Forget one-minute management and the habits of successful people. Sexologist Neonilla Samukhina, founder of the St. Petersburg Soitology Institute, has written an office strategy book for the literally up-and-coming, Kamasutra In The Office, whose thesis is that what the white collar worker really needs is more sex on the job. Samukhina discusses the copulative possibilities of such popular cubicle culture trysting places as the elevator, the copy machine, and the boss's desk, among others, with explicit photographic illustrations, which is a good thing, since the book is in Russian. Soitology, by the way, is the study of coupling. Where's a translator when you need one?
(While we're on the subject of licentious lit, Mathematics and Sex by Clio Cresswell employs math equations to produce answers to such questions as "How many people do I have to sleep with before I find the perfect partner?" And you thought you'd never have a reason to use algebra.)


GETTING AHEAD IN BUSINESS, PART II
The "Asshole Quotient" is a 100-point scale developed by former IBM exec Ed Rychkun to measure one's ability to hold high corporate or political office, which in either case requires that a leader must "be an asshole in order to succeed." For example, thinking your co-workers are assholes is worth an A.Q. of 10, whereas telling them they're assholes rates a 60. I would dismiss this as simple blather if not for the fact that Rychkun scores both George Bush and Donald Trump as perfect 100s.


WHY THE SUN BARELY RISES ON THE EMPIRE
According to a survey conducted by the BBC, 6 percent of Britons aged 16 to 24 believe that Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings" led the British Navy to defeat the Spanish Armada in 1588.


I AM REMINDED, BUT WILL HAVE NO PART OF REPEATING, A SMARMY OLD JOKE ON THE WORD "FOCUS" WHOSE PUNCH LINE IS "BOF' US?"
In the dreary event that you are somehow contemplating joining a Christian youth group, your faith has been rewarded with Single Focus, a group of exactly that nature, based in Atlanta and some 90 members strong, which for the last four years has held its weekly Bible study meetings at the local Hooters. Sometimes you need a reason to believe.


ODD NUMBERS
According to a national survey, the percentage of American parents who don't believe that their teenage kids have had sex: 84. The percentage of percent of American youth aged 14 to 18 who are sexually active: not quite 50.
The rank of New York among the states in per capita federal spending on anti-terrorism: 35. The rank of Vice President Cheney's home state, Wyoming: 1.


AT LEAST AFTER ARMAGEDDON, THE COCKROACHES WILL HAVE PLENTY TO EAT
To see how long a Twinkie would last in the open air before spoiling, Maine secondary teacher Roger Bennatti put one on top of his classroom blackboard in 1974. When he retired last June, it was still there.

1 Comments:

Blogger ....J.Michael Robertson said...

Kiss me, Frodo.

Battle of Trafalgar, Lord Nelson.

Never mind.

December 5, 2005 at 1:02 PM  

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