A HELL OF A LONG WAY TO GO TO GET TO SUCH A LAME ASS PUN

Michael Jackson has moved to Bahrain, which has evidently welcomed him with open arms. And before you begin rolling your eyes over just how preposterously gullible and shortsighted they are in Bahrain, recall that Oakland did pretty much the same thing with Al Davis. Perhaps this proves a point.

Jackson has relocated permanently to that lucky Arabian kingdom, and has also announced his conversion to Islam, because, states a press release, the tenets of Islam are "closer to Michael's personal beliefs." I didn't think you could get much closer to Michael's personal beliefs than the Catholic church has managed to do, but I am no religious scholar.

The press release also referred to Michael's wish to live in a country that would allow him his rightful share of "personal liberty," and I think we all know what that is a euphemism for, even if we don't. I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that the affections of both young boys and judges are more easily bought there than in Southern California, as unlikely as that may seem in some Red States.

Still, we're dealing with a Muslim country here. Which means an official ban on alcohol. Which means Michael will have to be very cagey with the Jesus Juice. For one thing, he'll probably want to re-name that beverage in accordance with his new faith. Mohammed Mix, perhaps, or Allah Ale. Those kids from the Wahabi schools will swallow anything if you slap the Prophet's okay on it.

I sympathize with Michael's new homeland, both as an American and as a Christian. Good luck with him, you Sunni Jims. Alas, though, I fear the reality will be that--and here comes the most painful punchline of the year--to paraphrase a song from "My Fair Lady":

The bane of Bahrain
is brother to Jermaine