ROBERT S. "BOB" READS THE MAIL

Mrs. Lois Denominator or Your Town, Ill. writes to ask, "What will it take for the A's to finally get to a World Series?"
Dear Lois: I'm guessing the bright lights, exhilarating pace and intoxicating ambiance of Fremont.

Mr. Roynton L'Hommediueu of Fiddle City, Nevada writes to ask, "How goddamn dumb can you be?"
Dear brother L'Hommediueu: What the hell kind of name is that? As for how dumb I can be, during this year's draft for my fantasy pro skateboarding league, I spent $6.95 for Franklin D. Roosevelt. I think that probably says a lot.

Dr. Seusschef of Boing, Idaho writes to ask, "With a mind as twisted and pessimistic as yours, I'm sure you've come up with some hellish and catastrophic vision of how this whole Iraq business turns out."
Dear Doctor: Yes, I have.

Dr. Seusschef of Boing, Idaho writes back to ask, "Well, ASSHOLE? What is it? Your vision of the Iraq thing, I mean. Jesus."
Dear Doctor: The Iraqis hate and resent and have spent several years increasingly devoted to the enthusiastic killing of one another, along the three major lines of Shiite, Sunni and Kurd. The Americans will leave, because at some point we will, as a nation, wake up, rub our eyes, take a look at what we are in bed with, cringe and shudder horribly, stealthily dress and put on our shoes and get the hell out of there. When that happens, the people left in Iraq will have two choices: actually literally kill every member of the other two lines, which would be not only disastrous and long-term self-destructive, but exhausting beyond belief, especially if you've ever spent a summer over there. Or: regroup together, putting aside their deeply entrenched feuds and desire for revenge, drawn together by a common enemy that they can feel free to despise without retaliation and that they also have a legitimate gripe against. Which would be us. The Iraqis must perforce reunite as something, if not a nation at least a confederation or alliance or glee club or whatever, and in order to do that, they must find some external source of blame for all the shit they have waded through and visited upon one another. Again, us. It wasn't their own mutual detestation of one another dating back 14 centuries that caused all this bad blood, it was the stinking Yankee infidels. So we will wind up with this Muslim country whose only cultural unifying element is its hatred for us, right in the heart of the Mideast. Up to its ass in excess weaponry that we took over there and then left behind in our rush to get back to McAmerica. Does that meet your criteria for hellish and catastrophic, Doctor?

Dr. Seusschef of Boing, Idaho replies, "What? Hmm? I'm sorry, I guess I must have nodded off. That's a nice theory, though, Yes, very clever. Where's the bathroom?"

Anne Ecdote of Gnkwqcbrt, Wales writes to ask, "This "letters to the writer" premise is hardly novel, original, or even entertaining. Aren't you just the least bit ashamed?"
Dear Anne: "Is it just me, or have you put on a few pounds?"