Monday, February 27, 2006


According to the news, the face of Jesus, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof--reasonable to the certifiably faithful, anyway--has now popped up in the form of an oil stain on a piece of sheet metal that was found by one Thomas Haley, a good, God-fearing Christian in Connecticut, who was so seized by the spirituality of the phenomenon that it took him over 30 minutes to decide to put the blessed metal up for sale on eBay. Which it now is.

But the failure of religious devotion to withstand the sheer moral force of a tidy profit is not our premise today. We're not nearly that thoughtful, lofty, or clever. Today's setup is, rather, the number of assorted and often unlikely objects and items upon which the visage of Our Lord The Redeemer has appeared. I haven't had the foresight to start keeping an ongoing log of these quirky news items, and I increasingly wish I had. Although, in all probability, you could find a thoroughly comprehensive list at some web address on the order of Shitthatjesus' (or maybe .org, which would make it easier to hustle grant money). But I do specifically recall claims of Jesus's depiction on a number of baked goods, including at least one tortilla, as well as the window of a skyscraper somewhere, and more than one tree. (Although, to be painfully honest, I may be lumping likenesses of the Virgin Mary in there.)

In any case, the point I wish to raise today is that as a Lutheran born and reared, it is my belief that Jesus, if he is Lord at all, is Lord to all. Which means that each and every one of us, from the grandest to the least, should be able to expect that the King of Kings will be made manifest to him or her at some time in some medium. And it occurs to me that, given the rate that images of Jesus have been popping up of late, we could soon find ourselves totally out of stuff that the Nazarene has not yet appeared on. What I'm saying is that if you believe, I mean really believe, you had better stake your claim to some Jesus-apparition-venue right now, before they're all gone. Accordingly, as part of my endless and self-sacrificial crusade to bring goodness and enlightenment to all, I humbly offer a few items which you could officially lay claim to be the first person upon which to have viewed the incarnation of the Son of God.

A manhole cover.
An Eskimo Pie.
The Goodyear blimp.
A kitty litter box.
A satellite dish.
A Twinkie.
A Delco battery.
A shotgun shell.
A mosque.
A horse.
A horse pie.
A baseball card.
The Saint Louis Arch.
Jennifer Lopez's ass.
The Indianapolis 500 pace car.
The cover of Playboy.
The Afflack duck.
A toilet seat.
A freshly removed appendix.
Richard Simmons.
A catcher's mitt.
A Thighmaster.
The carpeting under a Thighmaster.
Gorbachov's forehead.
A condom.
A pawn ticket.
A butt plug.

There you go. Whoever you are, I'm sure there's one that will work very nicely for you. Enjoy your 15 minutes of media visibility. Via con Dios.


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