GIMME A BROKE

I'm not even going to try to contrive a clever premise for the following. I blame it on Chronicle columnist Leah Garchik, who asked readers to submit satirical takeoffs on the Brokeback Mountain scenario. Throw me a setup like that, and I am simply too morally weak to resist. The result is not so much wit as gag-line calisthenics. See for yourself:

Two people fall in love while mailing in rebate coupons in Buckback Mountain.

A pair of feuding drama critics nonetheless become mutually enamored in Brickbat Mountain.

Two Victorian romance writers become entangled in a hopelessly doomed affair in Bleakbook Mountain.

A couple of injured woodpeckers get it on in the vet's waiting room in Brokebeak Mountain.

Michael Jackson suddenly finds himself so financially destitute that he must take up with men his own age in Brokeblack Mountain.

Two lovers engage in a marathon bout of passion in a tanning salon with painful results in Bakedback Mountin.

There, I think I've gotten it out of my system.