LAST MAN STANDING

I know there are many far more important issues on people's minds today, such as Iran's headlong rush to pitch the earth into global nuclear hell, and whether Humuhumunakalakawapalama, or whatever the hell his name is, will be able to start on defense for the Steelers, but my mind is still caught like a sweater on a nail on something that struck me during Bush's latest State of Disunion address.

It's the usual question that occurs to all concerned Americans at that time, which is: "I wonder which member of the Cabinet is sitting out the speech somewhere safe in case evildoers take out all in attendance at tonight's truthroast?" That person automatically becomes President of the country or whatever remains of it, and I gather this role has sort of rotated over the years: Defense secretary one year, Treasury topkick the next, then the HUD head, etc.

I used to think that this was a stupid protocol to follow, because in the event of such a sudden and massive disruption of the federal government, and the almost inevitable epidemic of panic and instability nationwide, you would want the guy running Defense to be your hole card, since the national threat level would go right off the color chart, and there would most likely be a need to put troops into action one way or another, either to encourage calm or to contain disorder. My point here is that in such a crisis situation, what the hell good is the Secretary of Commerce or Education or the Interior going to be? What's the Labor Secretary going to do, respond to the terrorists with a sitdown strike?

I still think the choice of the odd man out should be deliberate and prioritized and not random, but I've changed my mind about who it should be. Defense would now be my second choice. My first pick, of course, would be the head of the Department of Homeland Security. Primarily because, if somebody took out the entire leadership of the country in its own most secure haven, it would be very explicitly HIS PROBLEM. Whoever was in charge of preventing exactly such an occurance would have rather a lot to answer for, and personally, I would want to make sure the sonofabitch was still around to face the questions.

But that's just me.