CHURCH PROPERTY: NO TRESPASSING

Here's todays item de ridicule, reprinted verbatim from Ananova.com:

"BREWER ANGERS CHURCH WITH JESUS IMAGE
"A Lithuanian brewer has angered the Catholic Church by using an image of Jesus wearing headphones to advertise beer. The Kalnapilis-Tauras company is offering free CDs of Lithuanian 'ethno-hits' with their beer. And to advertise the promotion, they are picturing a wooden sculpture of Jesus wearing headphones over his thorny crown on the label. Archbishop of Kaunas, Sigitas Tamkevicius, said the labels offended believers. He added that the use of Catholic symbols for commercial purposes, particularly for alcoholic drinks, was 'completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.'"

The key sentence here, for purposes of satire, would be the Archbishop's denunciation of the commercial use of Catholic symbols, one of which he evidently reckons to be Jesus of Nazareth. Let us roll up our sleeves with enthusiasm and put a few questions to the esteemed Archbishop, especially since there is not a chance in Hell (a popular and familiar Catholic symbol, evidently) that he will respond.

Q: On what basis does the CC (Catholic Church) criticize the usage of Jesus for purposes of revenue generation when, in point of fact, that very usage has been the basis of the CC's own income, prosperity, financial survival and, indeed, lavish prosperity, over the past 2,000 years?

Q: Since when is Jesus, an historical personage, the symbolic property of the CC? Have the various Protestant denominations been informed of this? Have they been advised by CC attorneys that their invocation of the late Jesus constitutes a usurpation (possibly not an actual word) of an official CC symbol, patent pending?

Q: While we're at it, what about the Cross, which, if Jesus is the symbolic property of the CC, would certainly seem to be likewise, as a sort of liturgical accessory to the Prince of Peace? Is that also under CC copyright, and will angry letters be forthcoming from CC attorneys to goldsmiths and jewelers trafficking therein? If attacked by a vampire, do you need CC authorization to flash the sign of the Cross? What about Crossing guards?

Q: How about that fish symbol so popular in second century Rome and on contemporary motor vehicles? Should the trademark lawyers at Starkist be prepared for an action against Charlie the Tuna?

Q: If I slam my finger with a hammer and yell out "Jesus Christ!", is it simple blasphemy, or a trademark violation?

Q: Does this mean I have to omit the crown of thorns from my favorite S&M outfit or risk an injunction?

As I say, I don't expect any response. And I don't really mean to annoy the good Archbishop. If I truly wanted to ruin his day, I'd make sure someone told him about the Prince of Piece (TM) condoms.