TORTURED LOGIC

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year? Is that torture?"
-- Defense attorney Guy Womack, defending US soldier Charles Graner, accused of such Iraqi prisoner abuses as forcing them to form naked human pyramids.



(AP -- Washington -- 12/15/06) Declaring that "I like the way this guy thinks," President George Bush today signed an order authorizing the use by the CIA and US military of the new Womack Interrogation Guidelines, as suggested by Bush's recently appointed Deputy Attorney General For Intelligence Acquisiton, former defense lawyer Guy Womack. Among the interrogation measures recommended, and the reasoning behind their justification, are:

1. Bleeding prisoners once a month -- because cheerleaders, at least female cheerleaders, well, you know.

2. Getting prisoners so drunk that they pass out cold and are then sexually violated by drunken young male athletes -- another activity cheerleaders are frequently reported being involved in.

3. Hitting prisoners alongside the head with long L-shaped sticks -- because that's routinely the high point in American hockey games.

4. Throwing hard, fist-sized, cowhide-covered balls at prisoners' heads at upwards of 90 miles an hour -- because that happens all the time in major league baseball games, especially if Roger Clemens is playing.

5. Hurling prisoners downhill into trees at 40-60 miles per hour -- a common occurrence in skiing...or are you saying that these terrorist scum somehow deserve better than Sonny Bono?

6. Having prisoners eat worms, goat intestines, squid eyes or live cockroaches -- which countless Americans have enthusiastically volunteered to do if it would get them on some reality TV show.

7. Forcing prisoners to wear dog collars and to be led around on all fours by a leash -- a procedure that more than a few State and Defense Department officials are known to pay women generously to subject them to.

8. Having prisoners punch one another in the face with all their might -- which a number of Americans were more than willing to do for little more than a pack of cigarettes in "Bumfights," a much underrated video series.

9. Stuffing prisoners into supermarket shopping carts and rolling them at high speed into concrete walls -- something that numerous American adolescents seemed thoroughly delighted to do on "Jackass," a popular cable series.

10. Making prisoners stand in line outdoors, in terrible weather, with no restroom facilities or hot food, for hour after hour after hour -- a ritual that thousands of videogamers happily participate in to get their hands on product every time Sony or Microsoft crank out a new XBox or Playstation, not to mention half the American public on the day after Thanksgiving.