Wednesday, January 19, 2005

SPACE UNAVAILABLE

Prodded into action by the tall rubles the Russian space agency was pulling in with its "space tourist" trade, NASA, ever determined that unsavory civilian types not be allowed to foul the neighborhood 260 miles up, has issued an official set of criteria delineating those personality types that will NOT be permitted on board the International Space Station. Deemed astronauta non grata are: Anyone with a poor work or military record, anyone exhibiting criminal or dishonest tendencies, anyone guilty of lying or fraud, and anyone who drinks too much.
On the upside, this virtually guarantees that almost nobody in the current administration will ever wind up in orbit, where God only knows what damage they might be capable of, and that George W. Bush would personally not even be allowed to touch a space shuttle. On the downside, these standards just reek of the high-moral, Boy Scout pettiness that thickens the lower atmosphere these days.
Aside from the fact that most of the first generation of astronauts were renowned for their skill at pulling a cork and finding the bottom of a bottle, I can think of plenty of character types who would be far less desirable companions on a journey into space than would simple sloshes or truth-benders.
For example:
--Anyone who goes through more than two bottles of Gas-X per day.
--Anyone who insists on bringing their Michael Bolton, Jessica Simpson, C-Murder, or William Shatner CDs.
--Anyone who keeps muttering, "This will make the Hindenburg look like a kitchen fire..."
--Anyone who giggles during training whenever the words "coupling" or "Uranus" are spoken.
--Anyone named Osama, Suge, Ishmael, or Bugsy.
--Anyone who sweats gravy just lacing up his high-tops.
--Anyone who asks to bring along his "lucky butt plug."
--Anyone who wants to go into space in order "to shake hands with Jesus / Allah / Elvis."
--Anyone who voted for Nader, invested in Enron, and bought 49ers season tickets.
--Anyone who wears enough piercing jewelry to generate their own magnetic field.
--Anyone with a "Live Hard, Die Young!" tattoo.
--Anyone who lists under "Hobbies / Talents" an ability to "puke at will."
--Anyone who keeps asking what enemas are like when you're weightless.
--Anyone who even vaguely resembles Geraldo Rivera.































1 Comments:

Blogger ....J.Michael Robertson said...

Darwin's Cat is proud to enter into a Sister City relationship with Humor Me. Our mutual commitment to the degree to which child labor laws should be enforced suggest a long and fruitful collaboration.

January 21, 2005 at 4:34 PM  

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