Monday, December 13, 2004


That ol’ time religion sho do seem to be bustin’ along under a mighty head o’ steam. Or, in other words, can you believe how the snake handlers and tongue-speakers have taken the U.S. Government by the nape and flung it headlong into the 16th century? Well, I can.
This week the hot button has been the increasing encroachment onto the intellectual battlefield known as the American High School Curriculum by intelligent design (AKA the Book of Genesis), at the expense of Darwinism (the other 200,000 or so other books).
My primary argument against Intelligent Design is that if it existed, it would have produced something better than Tom DeLay, Starbucks, lung cancer and rap music.
Design? Possibly. Intelligent? Ho ho ho.
Still and all, local politics must, and will, be served. By local politics, we mean the same people who run your local State Farm Agency, teach Sunday School, and believe that if God had wanted us to think, he wouldn’t have given us TV.
In any case, step with me into the satirically imagined future...maybe...



Welcome freshmen!
To accommodate recent changes in the curricula of a number of state high school districts (mandated by local school boards) the following classes have been added to your State University’s academic schedule for the coming semester.
Marine Biology 363: Cetacean Digestive Anomalies. Investigating the unique and remarkable ability of a whale’s gastrointestinal process to distinguish between zooplankton and marine creatures, which it chemically dissolves, and the randomly swallowed human being, which it merely bleaches. Field trip: Scuba equipment and certification required.
Physics 290A: Modified Entropy Theory: In which certain scientific assumptions regarding thermodynamics and the decay of matter are revised so as to take into account a bush that burns but is not consumed. And talks.
Physics 290B: Elemental Table. Study and memorization of a simplified Table of Elements, which includes only those elements commonly and abundantly found in nature. This course explores the question, “If you can’t see it without a microscope, were you really meant to know about it?”
Archaeology 110: Carbon Dating, Shmarbon Dating. Raises the intriguing scientific hypothesis, “Could not an all-powerful God make rocks appear to be billions of years older than they actually are?” Guest lecturer: Joan Rivers.
Agricultural Economics 140B: Crop Storage and Nocturnal Divination. The art of employing traditional methods of dream interpretation to foresee and plan for years of extended famine and/or plenty. Emphasis on the significance of “devouring.” Also, why everything happens in sevens.
Chemistry 301: Oil on Troubled Waters. The figure of speech as a basis for scientific inquiry.
Astrophysics 191: Acoustic Influences on Planetary Motion. A study of subatomic particle resonance and how it may be manipulated by the repeated blowing of trumpets in order to halt the rotation of the Earth. How playing reveille starts it turning again.
Zoology 103: Introduction to Kine (Cows, archaic). What they are. Their proper care and feeding. Their selective breeding. Their particular suitability as sacrificial offerings to an Angry God. (Not for the squeamish.)
Health Science 402: Morality and Etiology. Understanding the causal relationships between fornication and AIDS, masturbation and leprosy, pornography and insanity, secular humanism and cancer, and abortion and death by lightning.
Health Science 404: Passover Epidemiology. Analyzing the properties of lamb’s blood that makes it an effective preventive and prophylactic measure against certain pediatric plagues. Also, how to remove stains from door frames.
Mathematics 300A: Non-Satanic Numerical Systems. A pure math course in which all textbooks, handouts and board-written problems will exclude the number 666 (the sign of the Beast) or use in its place the symbol Ω. In lectures and presentations, that number will be referred to as “the numerals formerly known as Prince of Darkness.”
Food Service Science 120: Large-Scale Meal Preparation and Management Techniques. The challenge of feeding multitudes. Creative use of loaf- and fish-extenders. The nutritional properties of milk and honey. Manna explained. (At the conclusion of the term, each student will be required to plan and prepare a final supper for twelve.)
Law 901: Introduction to Higher Law: Resolving questions of priority when confronted with conflicts between state or municipal statutes on the one hand, and direct commands from the almighty creator of the entire universe on the other. Why George W. Bush is God’s personal emissary. Why gays and ACLU lawyers are going to hell. Why you still have to pay parking tickets, even when the end is nigh.

[Caveat: The above appeared in Playboy a while ago, and although because I wrote it, I can probably get away with blogging it, anyone who wanted to forward it, alas, would probably attract the attention of their lawyers. Just a heads up in case.]


Blogger ....J.Michael Robertson said...

I am sending this to everyone I know because as you recently said to me: "How many Playboy lawyers does it take to unscrew a butt plug? something something hahahahaha they are really stupid."

December 24, 2004 at 2:26 PM  

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