DREAMING OF A WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS

Have you noticed that the trend in holiday songs lately is away from traditional hearth-and-home nostalgia stuff--the aural Kinkaid paintings about chestnuts roasting and winter wonderland strolls--or even romantic ballads. Contemporary yuletide music seems to have a kind of gritty disconsolation to it. The phrase "trailer park carols" comes to mind, but I make it go away.
I think it started with "Blue Christmas," but it has progressed to the point where the subtext to these lyrics is that somebody would like to celebrate the holidays by hanging their Christmas stocking around someone else's neck and slowly strangling them. There is one song--and I apologizing for not knowing the titles--whose repeated refrain is "I gave myself to you last Christmas, and you gave me away the next day," which sounds more like the religious observance of some bizarre Mormon sect than mainstream holiday cheer. Another one, pure country and western, depicts the reality of the family Christmas Eve get-together where toasts are raised with Budweiser and somebody gets drunk and obnoxious and after dinner somebody else has to go out to the 7-11 for a pack of Marlboro Lights and some Midol.
This got me thinking that certain classical carols would, if written today, probably take on a much more realistic note. "The Twelve Days of Christmas," for example. Relationships being as perishable these days as they are, the composer would likely have taken into account the possibility that after twelve days, one's "true love" might have become bored with one and gone wandering, perhaps with one of those obviously well-off, eminent, and physically fit Lords a-leaping. A few more stanzas would most likely have been added. Just noodling, here, but...

On the 13th day of Christmas, my ex-love gave to me
An interlocutory decree.

On the 14th day of Christmas, my ex-love gave to me
Two restraining orders,
And an interlocutory decree.

On the 15th day of Christmas, my ex-love gave to me
Our kids for the weekend,
Two restraining orders,
And an interlocutory decree.

On the 16th day of Christmas, my ex-love gave to me
Four nasty notes,
Our kids for the weekend,
Two restraining orders,
And an interlocutory decree.

On the 17th day of Christmas, my ex-love gave to me
My stolen bling--
Four nasty notes,
Our kids for the weekend,
Two restraining orders,
And an interlocutory decree.

Hmm. It clearly needs more work. Ah, but I see by the clock on the wall that it won't be by me. No more on this subject tomorrow.