JOKE ON THIS

"Humor Me" aficionado and academic cleanup hitter Michael J. Robertson asks, "Are you out of your goddam fucking mind?"

No, wait, that was my Mom. What br'er Robertson was asking was, "What is your version of the 'Aristocrats' joke?"

To those who have not heard of the notorious "Aristocrats" joke, I can only say:
"Jesus, people, get a subscription to Time or Newsweek and peek into the 21st century!"

I'm somewhat surprised that Michael has even heard of my Aristocrats take, given that (1) I haven't performed it since that tragic unpleasantness at the Atascadero Men's Penal Colony gig in 1998, and (2) even discussing it is an act punishable by UN sanctions.

But what the hell, my doctor only gives me another $1,680 to live, so here goes:

Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Princess Diana, Mahatma Gandhi, Helen Keller, Dr. Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Smokey the Bear and Flipper walk into a talent agent's office.

"Have we got an act for you!" booms Dr. King. "It'll knock your socks off!"

"Wow," says the agent. "Tell me about it."

"Okay," says Dr. King. "First off, Smokey grabs Mother Theresa and holds her upside down by her ankles, revealing her chaste yet moist femininity. Then Dr. Schweitzer and Princess Di grab Flipper, and holding her high overhead, suddenly plunge..."

Hold on, excuse me. There's someone at the door. Unless it's another moral assault team from the local Committee to Enforce Decency and Good Taste, I'll be right back. Half a mo...