HE DRAWS HIS WEAPON, HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES

This is unquestionably my favorite sports story of the week...

AP --MIAMI -- 5/26/05 -- He's Shaquille O'Neal, basketball star and undercover officer. The 7-foot-1, 325-pound Miami Heat center, who has a fascination with law enforcement, was recently sworn in as a U.S. deputy marshal. He spent six hours on a Saturday afternoon with Miami Beach police investigators helping with cases.
O'Neal has joined a Department of Justice task force that tracks down sexual predators who target children on the Internet. He is becoming familiar with the techniques and software that officers use to track down the predators, said Miami Beach Police Chief Don De Lucca. And he spends countless hours on his home computer, logging into the police network and learning the ropes.
"I put a lot into it, and when I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere, either Miami or Orlando, I don't know yet," O'Neal said recently.

Shaquille O'Neal, undercover cop. I can't wait. Secret Agent XXXXL. What exactly is he going to do, dress as a house? Is inconspicuousness no longer considered an aid in surveillance? Was Alice Cooper unavailable for the job? "The street gangs, assuming that I was merely a statue that the NBA had erected on the sidewalk, never knew what hit them when the raid came down at the conclusion of my six-week assignment." We could team him with Richard Simmons, or Carrot Top. I know, I'd better just shut up now. You never know when he might be listening.